in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
