i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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