in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
