it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
