But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
