Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
