Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
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sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
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A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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