Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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