That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
