I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
