How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
