Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
