Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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