Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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