I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My balls are so social today.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
