I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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