Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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