If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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