Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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