seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
well you can't waste a boner
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
