help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
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the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
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Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.