On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
