Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
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Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
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Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.