I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
