I wish I could punch you in the face.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
