I think I died a long time ago.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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