You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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