I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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