I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
