you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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