I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
