Don't you send me to vm
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
