I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
