who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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