Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
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