I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
