I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
