Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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