They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
