dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
