cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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