can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
