I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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