She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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