i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
