Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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