I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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