If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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