You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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