I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
