true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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