That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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