...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
