you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
