I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
