Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
