Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
