This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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