Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
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Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
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It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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